Smurray

Is there another way?

2008-03-13T20:39:12Z

We'll the only way I can put this is being confused as hell once again. Excuse the language. Honestly though I really don't understand. It like God knows that things are going well and he can't help, but challenge me when I'm at my peak. This isn't a challenge though, this is second grade drama. Why the heck do I have to do this again. I've already gone through it once and failed miserably. So is that why? Is this one of those try until you succeed type things, because I don't like it! I guess thats the point though. Who likes being out of their normality? I know I don't, but when does it end. When can I go back to not having to feel like this? Right now I don't know which direction to take this. I've already been down one path and look where that lead me... nowhere. I keep feeling as if I take the other path that will screw me over just as well. Its like there is no winning this time around. It just isn't meant to be. I don't see how thats possible though when I'm really happy (when things go right at least)It's like everything is going good, too good so the next moment something has to happen to change it all around and confuse me again. At this point I'm not even sure if anything I'm saying even makes sense. I mean can't things go a little better so I'm at least able to get sleep at night. Thats the worst, when my thoughts are so jumbled together that its hard to sleep. Its all that has been crossing my mind. Its hard to pay attention to anything else, but the problem at hand. I've done this before and it screwed up who I am and how I handle most situations. I can't be that person again. I remember the last situation as if it happened yesterday. I've been thinking about it a lot more since it came to haunt me again. There are things I will do differently I can tell you that much, but it still doesn't solve anything. I want to act normal and treat things as if they don't bother me one bit. They do, who am I kidding. Its really getting to me. I want to just say forget it over and over, but its so much easier said than done. I wish It wasn't it would make things so much better if my actions spoke louder than words. Really though I don't think I would be happy with that outcome either. I just want to scream! Why does it have to be this complicated. As soon as everything starts going well is when it takes a turn for the worst. It's starting to sound like a drama out of a movie, except I don't think this one has a fairy tale ending. I'll have to take this one day at a time.

I'm honestly not sure what mood I'm in right now:
aggravated- with the situation
annoyed- that its the second time
cheerful- because I'm with people that are making me laugh
confused- as to where this will take me
crushed- by being stood up
curious- as to what is on his mind
devious- because I'll do anything to stop her
disappointed- in both of them
embarrassed- by people knowing
envious- of the fact that they talk
jealous- above all
scared- because I've planned for the worst

Where do I go from here...

2007-10-07T23:41:49Z

So where do I go from here. I can’t even begin to act like everything is going good, its not. Normally I could say I was in a pickle… that’s putting things lightly. My mind is scrambled and I can’t even keep up with what I’m saying anymore. “I heard this, I know that” where do I go from this point. I care about what people think and right now people think the worst. I wish there was another route to this insanity. I flat out hurt the people I love most. It’s all different now, within a matter of an hour EVERYTHING was switched around.
Have you ever had a person not be able to look at you? The very thought of you made them sick. You start to think was it all worth it. Did you even really get what you wanted in the end? Was it just all a loss and no gain? For me it was, I became THAT girl… I wish I had the will power to talk myself out of things. I can say no to others but to me it’s completely different.
I wish I could just cry for hours but you can only cry so much, you can only do and say so much and the rest is up to others. It’s their chance to go by what they saw and what I say and believe what they want. I know what they’ll think; I’m not dumb I would think the same. Why should something that comes out of my mouth even matter to them. I’ve gone as low as I could possibly go and there is no way to get back to where I was.

I’d give you all the time in the world to realize how much you mean to me, but the fact of the matter is I care for you enough to know I have to let you go.

dancrchick1213 @ 2006-08-08T23:57:00

2006-08-09T04:16:32Z

So I haven’t written in this thing in forever and a year. I thought about getting rid of it but eh, the fact that Im really lazy overpowers the thought to actually get rid of it.
So Yesterday I went to the Tigers game with the family. They won, of course. It was an amazing day with the whole family bonding thing going on and plus my dads work is AMAZING so we got in VIP style and we had dinner at the club house and got seats 5 rows up from the Tigers dugout.
Today I went to Cedar Point with some amazing people. So many insiders in one day its crazy.
"I was trying to make by butt a shelf"- My awesome-ness
I conquered my fear and rode the dragster, skyhawk, and Max Air. I screamed like a baby on all 3. Ashley and I got attacked by birds in the parking lot and random ppl laughed at us. Overall it that might have been the best day of summer.
Last week I went up north with Ashley and she taught me how to water-ski and drive a 4 wheeler (I drove into a tree twice) We invented hilarious pick up lines and used them on the hotties at the beach.
Next week Im going to Traverse City with the fam and Lyndsay and were staying at a resort. It looks beautiful so Im really excited for that.
The 24 Hour relay was changed to different dates so Chris and I can go, which makes me happy I cant wait to meet the ppl on our new Track team.
OMG LIKE MAJOR! I get all new Nike apparel and shoes... SHOESSS!!! I LOVE SHOES, and I get 2 pair on top of that. Chris and I almost pissed ourselves when we read "We are a Nike sponsored school! So, what does that mean?? We wear Nike, we provide Nike, we love Nike. That is the way we will all think from here on out. Furthermore, you will receive some "free" Nike things throughout the year."
I can really get use to this College Athlete stuff.
These couple weeks couldn’t be any better. :)

Although slight downfall. People are starting to leave one by one. Its really hard. I miss Erik the most, probably cuz he’s the furthest away and unlike others we wont be coming home for break cuz his new home is Kentucky :(
I hate that people have to leave. I get use to them being here, then they're gone. I guess its apart of growing up.

Its late and I have work in the morning
Peace Out!

dancrchick1213 @ 2006-07-17T13:52:00

2006-07-17T20:06:35Z

I am temporarily writing this as I ball my eyes out, Its hard to even see what I am typing therefore bear with me on the typos.
My graduation party was yesterday hopefully everyone had a good time.
I do truly love my friends, I know I told you all last night but I really do mean it. There’s a reason why you all are my friends I have learned a little from all of you and I will take it with me in my years to come.

My husband left today to become a college boy(The main reason for the tears)he made me cry yesterday and 20 times more today with just the thought that he was the first of many to leave my side. I love him so much, I couldn’t have asked for a better husband. He is my protector and best friend, he can literally walk into any room and know everyone. He’s like a lovable teddy bear, I cant get enough of him.
I got 2 letters today from the people I care about the most in my life.
Letter #1:

ummm yea def thought i would tell you that i love you again cuz i dont remember if you remember me tellin you while you were drunk haha but i love you and i will miss the best and most beautiful wife in the world and i def be home this weekend so plan on hanging out but its not like you have a choice im your husband you gotta hangout with me :) bye my love and ill def be talkin to you online

and well letter #2 is 5 pages but I’ll quote the wonderful Tanisha because what she said and how she touched my heart will last with me for a lifetime.
"To wish you luck is to unpredictably unreliable, So I will wish you knowledge, courage, and self discipline. Accept them and go far."
From a child you appears outgoing to sum and shy to others, she is able to understand people, read them and understand why they are put in her life.

I will miss everyone of my friends that go away. I knew it wouldn’t really set in until people start to leave and on the day of July 16th, 2006 it all came into focus.
I set a goal for myself that I WILL keep in touch with the ones I love, I want them to stay in my life so I will send phone calls, letters, updates and greetings. There is a reason for them being here and no reason for them leaving.

Its a day of sad thoughts.

2006-07-04T08:02:17Z

The other day I sat in a van looked out the window and listened to my friend laugh to the point where she practically was dyin of laughter.
I cant remember the last time I laughed that hard.

Today/tonight is the worst time for detroit sports in all of its history

Steve Yzerman, the greatest captain Detroit has ever seen has retired today

Ben Wallace, the best defender and core of the basketball team, has left the Pistons to sign with the Chicago Bulls.

I want to cry.

dancrchick1213 @ 2006-06-25T00:52:00

2006-06-25T05:03:19Z

and the night just keeps getting better...

"I'll tell you flat out
it hurts so much to think of this
so from my thoughts I will exclude
this very thing that
I hate more than everything is
the way I'm powerless
to dictate my own moods

I've thrown away
so many things that could've been much more
and I just pray
my problems go away if they're ignored
but that's not the way it works
no that's not the way it works

when I go down
I go down hard
and I take everything I've learned
and teach myself some disregard
when I go down
it hurts to hit the bottom
and of the things that got me there
I think, if only I had fought them

If and when I can
clear myself of this clouded mind
I'll watch myself settle down
into a place where
peace can search me out and find
that I'm so ready to be found

I've thrown away
the hope I had in friendships
I've thrown away
so many things that could have been much more
I've thrown away
the secret to find an end to this
and I just pray
my problems go away if they're ignored
but that's not the way it works
no that's not the way it works

Any control I thought I had just slips right through my hands
while my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me
reprimands me
then and there
I confess
I'll blame all this on my selfishness
yet you love me
and that consumes me
and I'll stand up again
and do so willingly

You give me hope, and hope it gives me life
you touch my heavy heart, and when you do you make it light
as I exhale I hear your voice
and I answer you, though I heardly make a noise
and from my lips the words I choose to say
seem pathetic, but it's fallen man's praise
because I love you
oh God, I love you
and life is now worth living
if only because of you
and when they say I'm dead and gone
it won't be further from the truth

When I go down
I life my eyes up to you
I won't look very far
cause you'll be there
with open arms
to lift me up again
to life me up again"

tonight I lost the one person that makes this song make sense.
tonight I lost the one person that matters above all the rest.
tonight I lost apart of myself.

dancrchick1213 @ 2006-06-24T01:28:00

2006-06-24T05:43:29Z

I'm pretty much ready to bury myself in the lies I get into.

I want it all to end AND I want it to just happen. WHY do I havta work for it? WHY do I screw up good things, am I honestly that scared?

I need alone time. I can feel it catching up to me, I work way too much. The paychecks are good, but its all I have to show for it.

I need to get my thoughts together and figure out what I want, screw what other ppl think for once, WHY do I base my life on what another says. Its my life dang it!

I need sleep.
"I got to get away
Get away from all of my mistakes"...
"And after all of my alibis desert me
I just want to get by
I don’t want nothing to hurt me
I had no idea where my head was at"...
"And every trace of momentum is gone
And this isn’t turning out the way I want"...
"I said the words I knew you knew
Oh God, Oh God I needed you
God all this time I needed you, I needed you"

dancrchick1213 @ 2006-06-11T00:58:00

2006-06-11T05:11:51Z

Hi My name is Shannon, My friends at work call me Barbie or Blondie if you are Rich.
I complain A LOT(only to Ross my Boss)
I hate cleaning and Im always nice to customers(just to be a suck up)
Im the only one that cleans the bathrooms because I do the best job. I even fold the toilet paper in the shape of a triangle like they do at hotels just because it looks pretty.
I get a free sandwich today because Ross is the most extraordinary guy in the universe, hes better than Gandhi, if he were to challenge Gandhi in an eating contest Gandhi would lose. get it!
Barbie is temporarily in the bathroom because she was sick of doing the potty dance for 3 hours straight.
She has no idea I have taken over her live journal... muahhhhh (evil laugh)
George is gay, and likes the males. he has now stormed off to take deliveries.
Jimmy is fat and I want to challenge him in a sandwich making contest.
Erik fuckin Bush can make a #8 sandwich BLINDFOLDED!!! (proof that he has been here for too long)
George ran to farmer jack and back with cucumbers in 7 min.(that’s a record)
he is also a lot more good looking than rich. Rich thought he was the hottest guy in Jimmy Johns. Shannon laughed in his face.

Shannon is graduating tomorrow. My little Blondie is growing up.
that is all, jamean!

School is worthless!

2006-05-31T02:55:10Z

I love going up north
I love ultimate frisbee
I love being with my family
I love DHS Seniors
I love fiestas in Spanish
I love that track is OVER
I love senior pranks
I love having 3 more days left of school
I love half days
I love graduating
I love sleeping in
I love BeerBQ'S

I dislike 95 degree weather
I dislike when the AC is broken at work and at school
I dislike being home
I dislike exams
I dislike having a strained ligament and having crutches
I dislike the fire alarms being pulled
I dislike worthless papers
I dislike having to fill out a bajillion senior pictures

I just spent 5 hours writing 3 papers for my finals. All of them are the most worthless things I have ever written in my entire life.(how has your years in school helped shape the person you are and who you want to become) OH GIVE ME A BREAK! My intro paragraph to each paper mine as well just said, you are about to read 7 pages of me sucking up to you so I can get an A. But I have to admit I have a way with words and my one paper. MY GOD ITS GOOD! I cant wait to show my teacher haha

Now im going to spend my night filling out millions of senior pictures because gosh darn it, its just what seniors do. Im gonna be so tired of writing the last 14 of them are probably just goin to say H.A.G.S in big letters. Yeah thats right I dont wanna hear this I wanna novel written on the back of mine. R U KIDDING ME!?! not gonna happen unless I really love you or your freaken Jesus. So um i'll get right on those novels. okay.

Im out.
Peace y'all

dancrchick1213 @ 2006-05-25T19:17:00

2006-05-26T00:23:13Z

Wow. Its been forever since I've written in this darn thing. I seriously thought no one really read this or even cared about the pointless thoughts that are jumbled up inside of me and I randomly jot down on here just because, but since I got complaints that I haven't written I mine as well jump on it.

So what’s more productive than writing in your live journal when you have 6 papers and 2 portfolios and a book to read and only 6 more days left of school. Oh yes I've got my priorities straight.

6 MORE DAYS OF HIGH SCHOOL! I can see myself crying, I didn’t at first cuz I was in that "GET ME OUTTA HERE" kinda mood. Now I find myself in denial over leaving and having to never see these people that I've practically spent 13 years with. "Im a mess I guess" (Mae- Sun)

I literally broke down after my last regional track meet ever! 2day was my last track practice, Im not ready to leave what has literally been my whole life for 6 years. I guess the only thing you can do is go out with a bang. (DIVISION CHAMPS WHAT?!) yes Im still in an ultimate high over that.

suggestion to my little youngins and freshies, be in as many clubs and sports as possible. You will meet some of the most amazing people and develop friendships closer than you ever thought possible.

I need to write letters to a few kids. I haven't really talked to them in a while. Its just been those hey, how are you types of talks. Just to see how life is going. They deserve so much more, maybe a visit a hangout session filled with reminiscing and laughter. Yeah those are the best, time to get away and just be surrounded by the ones you truly care about.

Speaking of getting away, Im going up north for the break. Thank the lord Jesus! I need to get away from school and spend time with my family. I LOVE going up north, its relaxing and its warm weather so guess who’s going golfing 24/7. Oh yeah excited times 2 billion, and that’s a lot.

Goals for this weekend:
Rent and watch The Big Lebowski
Learn how to play Frisbee Golf
(Yes Erik this is all for you) hahaha

I finally passed out my senior pictures 2day, now I have like 40 of them to write out. greatttt(listen to that sarcasm)but the important thing is that I brought them in, right? haha
*If you want one just holla*

Im out for now, I think I just my start my medical stuff?
ahh 1 more day in PT, I love it there I don’t want to leave!!!! I’ve really found my calling haha You just wait, you will soon be calling me Doc. :)

dancrchick1213 @ 2006-05-06T21:44:00

2006-05-07T02:06:44Z

So life has been stressful, but I could care less about it. Its weird cuz Im stressing out but not, I know what I have to do and when I think about it I want to go bonkers cuz there is not enough time in the day but at the end of the day it just piles up more and more cuz I end up just sitting around thinking about the stuff I have to do and then in return I never do it.
^it may be confusing to you, but it makes perfect sense to me.

I have been asked to update but really I have nothing to say.
Temporary things on my mind:
AP junk is kicking my butt, Im worried about the 3 hour test I really wanna get to good grade, I would hate to have to re-take this junk in college. Haha College that’s such a joke.
Track has been a major issue, but then again it always has been. I hurt my hip the other day and the trainer said I have tendinitis. Okay seriously, lets think about this shall we. I don’t have time to have tendinitis, we have our big meets coming up and she’s telling me to stay off it a couple days, sry not gonna happen. Yeah Im only hurting myself more but seriously I have more important things to worry about. Like State for example, I have no idea what’s going on with that. Im not going to my own senior prom because I have to go to regional and hopefully make it to state. It would be nice but with the way things are going this year im not too confident. I really need to go all out and really work hard for this. I willing to do it but what’s stopping me? The pain, I can't take being hurt. I can't be at my best if Im killin. Its not normal to have to take pain killers every time I run. My mom gets mad cuz Im gonna become addicted. Oh she’s also mad because I have become bulimic. Not really, don’t all give me a lecture but at meets I don’t eat, if I do I’ll just get sick. My body is so broken down I don’t know what to do with myself, the only thing I can do is push myself harder because I want to make it to state again.
Oh whatever, shower me in your pity I guess.
better yet, pray for me.

Senior Skip Day is sooo needed, Thank God for road trips and Cedar Point

So I think its time again for one of these.

2006-04-10T02:20:35Z

Well. To start it off I think I finally picked a college, sadly enough I know that my decision will change in the morning. It happens all the time, same old story over and over again.
- I had a mental breakdown on Wednesday I think it was; I don’t know I’ve already started to erase it from my memory. I haven't had one in a while, or like ever for that matter. I've got a lot going on lately and having my parents say that im not mature enough to make a simple decision like college just proves my immaturity. Well excuse me if college is the biggest decision im going to make in my life so far and I want to think it over. Heaven forbid I even put thought into this. Here mom let me put the colleges’ names into a hat and I’ll randomly pick one. Oh my life is set and I’ll never havta worry about anything else in life. (Major sarcasm)
- Im going to start a yoga class with my mommy. Kind of excited and kind of contemplative out about it. I hope it helps me clam down a lot. Haha that makes it sound like I’ve been going on rampages and frolicking around places like a kid who forgot to take their ADHD medication. No, sry to burst your bubble but its not me (I wish) Its just on our first track meet on Thursday I flipped out over the easiest thing. Im still living aren’t I? So what’s the big deal about running my butt off to make my coaches happy? Oh that right, the horrific pain in my lungs, shins, feet, and arms. < I complain a lot if you don’t know me. Every time I run I work myself up. My coaches constantly havta tell me not to think and just run. IMPOSSIBLE! That’s all I do. My mind is constantly running with ideas of how to run the race, if the girl next to me is good, who do I havta beat, what will Timpa and zar say, what if I hit a hurdle? I hate it; it literally makes me sick to my stomach. Why do I do this to myself every year, now there’s talk about me doing this all over again in College?
- Im leaving for South Carolina this Friday. It’s going to feel sooo nice to get away from everything. I need to be by a beach, listening to the waves as I sleep. It’s my favorite thing ever. Call me a loser but that’s what I picture my husband and I doing on vacation just laying there with the windows open with a cool breeze and listening to the ocean. So a girl can dream, cant she. I think were going to spend a day in Charleston while were down there. (We better) It’s my favorite place ever. Im a geek when it comes to museums and old historical towns. I want to see every nook and cranny of it and learn everything. Its so interesting to me, hopefully someone im going with shares the same love as me otherwise I might get left. Lol Im adorable though, I'll find someone to take care of me. I also need a golfing partner. I don’t know if a lot of my friends like golfing, there are 8 of us there’s got to be someone. If not it will be great bonding time with my mommy and I since we share the same clubs. OH EMM GEE just thinking about golfing is making me want to go so bad! I've only been to the driving range like 3 times in the past 5 months with my dad and going to the range just isn’t the same. I got my "kiss me, I speak Spanish" shirt the other day for my Spanish 4 class. Its sweet and it makes me really happy. So unless you can read Spanish and understand it then don't even bother asking me what it says. I'll just say something mean in Spanish and walk away. Hahaha
-I finally took the time to mess around with my IPOD. I changed everything and I mean everything. I got sick of listening to only a certain number of songs and having the other ones take up space. It’s officially ready for my 16-hour road trip down south. I was looking for a bunch of old cd's in my room and I found my favs that I bought in like the 7th-8th grade cuz I wanted to show my bother I was cool, and gosh darn-it I was! Haha I found Dave Matthews Band, Eve 6, Foo Fighters, Goo Goo Dolls, Green Day, Incubus, Lifehouse and all that good stuff. I was really excited, but to tell you the truth I think I peed my pants when I found my N'Sync and Backstreet Boys Cd's. Yeah they are uploaded and I've been jammin all day. Oh and lets not forget my main man, Phil Collins. Haha I found my Tarzan cd and I think im going to have him sing me to sleep tonight. (Temporarily listening to: Another day in paradise) The man is good.

Upcoming events:
Monday: Hospital, School, Track Pictures (want one?) Practice, Work. (Same old' thing every Monday)
Tuesday: Hospital, School, Track meet vs. Port Huron. (Hopefully another win for the girls)
Wednesday: Field Trip to the courthouse, school, practice
Thursday: Hospital, school, practice- OFFICAILLY OUT FOR SPRING BREAK!
^ I've just got to get through this 4 day week and I’ll be able to relax with my gurlies!

I think im gonna write a letter to someone, maybe a couple ppl. Anyone want one? letters are good everyonce in a while. Excpecially when they have Senior Pictures in them *cough*cough* NICOLE! haha Maybe I'll write letters while Im stuck in a car. We'll see. Its 10o'clock on a Sunday which means its Shannons bedtime and she didnt even shower yet. OOPS I guess i'll just havta go another day without showering, what will that be 7 full days with no shower. haha Alex- I think Its a record!!! haha Just kidding. I think its been 3 (thats not bad right?) If my mommy knew she would go bonkers (so we just dont tell her)

Sometimes the talks are just needed.

2006-03-28T04:44:19Z

attention personas: 8 more school days left at Dakota High School.
6 weeks till the BIG AP test. < not so excited about that one.

So my mother and I had a hardcore heart to heart 2day. I've never had one of those with my mom. It was nice, My aunt told me a couple days ago that the best kind of therapy is just talking. She encouraged me to talk to my mom just about things going on with my life and how im doing in general. It was really random but I guess it was needed at that moment.
I almost got into a car accident on saturday coming home from work, and again on monday going to school. Both times I gripped my rosary hanging on my mirror in my car. I know it wasnt a single necklace that stopped them from happening its just the thought that its there. protection.
Spring break is fast approaching and I will be most likely wearing track t-shirts and cheer shorts the whole time. Im a procrastinator when it comes to everything, this week its clothes shopping for spring break. Just not happening.
I've got a lot to prove to my parents. My brother just isnt steppin up to the plate as you could say. For his lack of responsibility, I take the blame. They see what he is doing and they pull the "I dont want you to be like that" line. Im sick of it. Do I look like a 19 year old male thats in his second year of college. I dont think so. So stop treating me like him. Were nothing alike, besides sense of humor im my own person thank you.
I wish I would have really known my grandma Flower. I told my mom that today and she cried. "Its unfair, we were cut short in our time with her." she told me. Its true, I was only 8 at the time. I cant even mention her name without my little brother being confused. He never knew her, that makes me sad. She was beautiful, Lillian Flower was her name. It fit her well, I miss her a lot. My mom told me something that my grandma would always tell her when things got bad.
"If you have problems with yourself, you should be considered lucky. Its harder to change the ones around you, rather than yourself. You know yourself and the person you want to be. These problems may be hard because they hit too close to home, but they make you stronger, they shape the person that you are today. Take these problems head on. You will then find out whats best for you and only you."

Best Friends

2006-03-12T07:00:08Z

Have you ever had a person in your life that you could honestly call your second half? Like god made holes in a person’s body so people could come along and fill them.
Ive been blessed to meet my second half so soon in my life.
The indescribable feelings and overwhelming emotions are what makes me love her with my whole heart.
College life is fast approaching, its then we will be separated by roads not by hearts
We seldom get the chance to tell people how we really feel; sometimes they leave us without being told our true feelings.
I remind her everyday how happy I am to have her and how I would die without her by my side.
I think to myself, she knows how I feel. I tell her everyday and days I skip I tell her 2 times more.
Separation makes the heart grow fonder.
HE will test our friendship while we are away at college. We will prove to HIM time and time again that we are strong as one and unbreakable together.
She has become apart of me.
"And know this; you can't take away something your born with. You can try to ignore it, try to change yourself, but it’s always there. Look at people born schizophrenic, you can actually ignore your other personalities, and try to live normally, but the condition is always there. You can try not to be an alcoholic even though you're born with that gene. The thing is, it’s always there, no matter what. Anyway, why would you want to ignore the good parts about you." (Taken from the movie: A Beautiful Mind)
<JESKA3 "I have carved your name in my heart, and there it shall stay forever." TotallyxTwisted: "ill never let go shan ill never let go" TotallyxTwisted: but unlike titanic I WONT LET GO :-D

Signed Sincerely, Me

2006-03-08T22:20:04Z

Today was my last official day of babysitting. Im done with playing star wars video games and battle frontier in the living room. Im getting to old for this stuff, I got poked in the eye 2day with a light saber. I bet you could just imagine how happy I was.

Track "officially" starts on Monday. In other words my social life is done after Sunday. *Deep sigh* shower me in your pity please. I can't say Im excited, the whole feeling of not being able to stop my legs from shaking in 6th hour waiting for class to end and get on a bus with the worst feeling in my stomach. Oh yeah real excited for that. If it wasn’t for the people I honestly wouldn’t even step foot on the track. I <3 those kids with my whole heart. There my family, they kind of havta be since I spend every waking hour with them. Im also excited for Saturday meets. ahh afternoon barbeques are the shizzz. Yeah that’s right be envious of our mini grill with hot dogs and burgers while you eat power bars and wish your coach was that cool to bring a grill.

Indoor states is on the 18th and I have no idea if I want to go. Its kind of optional you could say. My bestest Tanisha is already going for a bunch of events cuz she’s that sweet so we figured why not one more just for kicks. So I might go I might not. It’s @ U of M, so we'll see I guess

I started my new unit in the hospital. I work on labor and delivery, I LOVE that unit. Monday I got to watch a C-section. (Gross) but I got through it and they had a boy. His name is Kevin, which made me mad. They were an all Mexicanized famila. The mothers name was Marta, the fathers name was Jorge and they name their son Kevin. I was waiting for something like paco or Carlos, no I was let down. it was cute they named their son after the doctor though.
Ive adopted a son.
Not really but I wish. I got to feed a little boy named haven today. I love that name and he was the cutest baby in there, just a plus that he was a boy too. His mother didn’t want him and left him at the hospital so now their looking for an adopted family for him. It was so sad, they asked me to stay with him and rock him to sleep and just hold him because he need that nurturing. As soon as he was in my arms I fell in love with him. His mother had him and wanted nothing to do with him. That made me mad. Its good that he’s going to a family that will take care of him, I wouldn’t want him to be with his mother because she would just neglect him. Its horrible how this happens more than you would wish but that’s life today. It goes back to the whole abortion issue and that’s an issue all in itself.

So today while I was babysitting a man came to the door to hand me some books on joining a church and I read this magazine about where is the love? I came across an article about teens and sex. It was actually really funny. You could tell this person that wrote this has never been to my high school or any high school for that matter. He was like if anyone around you starts talking about sex just walk away. Show them that you feel its sinful to talk about those things and make a stand by standing up and walking away.
haha Im sry but that made me laugh. It’s smart to walk away from situations that you may feel uncomfortable but if I seriously walked away every time someone talked about sex, every waking moment in my high school I would spend it walking away. It happens a lot, big deal. Go to a middle school, their not only talking about it their doing it! WRONG! I was told a little story about the rainbow game that middle schoolers play. (If ya wanna know what it is ask, Im not putting rated X things on my journal) and my little brother asked me yesterday if 2 girls kiss are they lesbians because these two girls at his lunch table kissed. THIS BOY IS IN THE 6TH GRADE. Im going to wrap him in a bubble until he’s 24! My brother will be the most respectable boy out there. If your reading this and you fall under the category of being respectable to people then I congratulate you. Stay pure. haha

Now its off to a B-ball game with my fav Darin.
Im out.

My heart is filled with laughter and pain.

2006-02-24T08:45:02Z

So it is the 8th day into break and im officially back at my normal, relaxed state.
Mid-winter break has been the shizz... no lie. Only downfall. AP homework. Yeah teachers who think its cool to give out homework during break, why don’t you go try dying that’s cool too.

So yesterday my brother came home from a wonderful place called college to go to the coldplay concert.
Usually my brother comes home, I say hi and 3 days later I see him again to say bye. Maybe I’ll drive him back up to state but not all the time. We've been really distant since he’s been in college, not that big of a deal but yesterday he comes home and walks up to me and hands me a coldplay poster and says " I bought this for you." I think I wept. It was sooo thoughtful an he was sooo excited to tell me about the concert so we talked and it ended up leading into the best heart to heart I have ever had with him. He basically told me that he cares for me sooo much and if anything were to happen to me he wouldn’t know what to do. He is still the protective brother I've known all my life and I missed knowing that. So before he left to go back up to state I gave him the biggest hug ever and told him thank you and my mom was like what’s that all about and he was like nothing we just love each other and my mom cried. Yeah it was one of those sitcom family moments where they insert the cheesy music and the audience says "awwwwww"

At work 2day I was told that Erik basically made up his decision to go to Kentucky for college. whoo. That hit me pretty hard. I know his dad lives down there and all and its been hard for him to be away from his dad and only see him when he can, plus the rest of his family is moving down there in the summer but he told me that state was an option and that staying here is what he wanted. It’s fine that he changed his mind. I want him to be happy and be with his family, yet I also selfishly want to keep him here. Idk what to think. I can’t lose another to Kentucky. Im starting to hate that state. Why would He take away a person that is sooo amazing in my life right now? People always ask about Erik and I and the truth is I wouldn’t be able to handle it if he leaves me, and Im not going through that again. I already did it once. Never again. I just cant. I might be strong but not that strong. I don’t know what to think. I cant make up his mind for him but if I had a choice he would stay here so I don’t have to add him to the list of ppl I say I miss you to.

I need a kiss on the forehead and his voice to tell me it alright. <3

You wish you were this cool...

2006-02-16T04:16:37Z

Dancrchick1213: yeah you'll get it
ShagMaster024: that a threat or some shit>
ShagMaster024: cuz i'll throw down.
Dancrchick1213: haha
Dancrchick1213: you better foo
ShagMaster024: oh snapp
ShagMaster024: my niggah did NOT just say dem words to meh yo
Dancrchick1213: shizzz this playa be frontin all up on your gril whatcha gonna do bout it... NOTHIN, SIT DOWN!
ShagMaster024: LET ME AXE YOU SOMEN', U think u all hard n shiz?
Dancrchick1213: naw i just be all up in yo face cuz i wanna be
Dancrchick1213: yeah foo whatchu got on dis?
ShagMaster024: step off ho you dont know who i be
ShagMaster024: i'll bust a cap in yo honkey ass
Dancrchick1213: listen wonderbread 2morrow this shiz be off the chain
ShagMaster024: man they be sellin them burritos tomorrow dem are tha shizz
ShagMaster024: fills ya up like grits'
Dancrchick1213: yeah like ur momma fills you up

Yes me and alex are the shizz... dont be hatin' foo.

A lil flustered

2006-02-14T17:54:36Z

So Im working on a paper for my college writing class on the separation between church and state and I came across this:
It was a convocation welcoming the freshman class to Dartmouth College
and this is what one student said:
"The development of character is a higher goal. Character has to do with sacrifice, laying our personal interests down for something bigger. The best example of this is Jesus... He knew the right thing to do. He knew the cost would be agonizing torture and death. He did it anyway. That’s character."
-good right. Or at least I thought

In return the Vice President of the School Assembly wrote to him,
"I consider you choice of topic for the convocation speech reprehensible and an abuse of power. You embarrass the organization, you embarrass yourself."

ahhh that made me mad. I think I threw a pillow.
Just thought I would share that with everyone. Im not gonna go into it cuz 1. It will get me riled up and this entry would probably NEVER end and, 2. Im sure you already know how I feel

Let's fast-forward time.

2006-02-10T02:15:43Z

"Just a day,
Just an ordinary day.
Just tryin to get by."

I had to again mess around with this college junk. YUCK! Im so ready to fast forward time and get dressed up in an oversized blue gown and walk across a stage for a sheet of paper. June 2nd couldn’t come any sooner.

I was reading over my college essay that was submitted to a few schools. I must admit I have a way with words let me tell you.
I cried a little.
I wrote about my time in the hospital and one of my patients that passed away. He was a great man that ALWAYS made me smile. His jokes were cheesy yet they made me belt out the laugh that he loved so much. He was wise and knowledgeable in every subject. I could sit for hours and listen to his views on life. He was family oriented which I valued so much, he never went a day with out saying hello to me. He truly touched my heart and made my first experience of working in the hospital unforgettable.
"Remember, I will still be here
As long as you hold me, in your memory
Remember, when your dreams have ended
Time can be transcended
Just remember me
I am the one star that keeps burning, so brightly,
It is the last light, to fade into the rising sun
I'm with you
Whenever you tell, my story
For I am all I've done
Remember, I will still be here
As long as you hold me, in your memory
Remember me"
-Josh groban also has a way with words.

Im outtie kids.
Time for the annual late night phone call<3
Nite

Things I temporarily need...

2006-02-02T02:52:21Z

I need to get my stuff together
I need to go to track practice
I need to do what’s best for ME
I need sum new CDs
I need gas in my car
I need to go to church
I need more sleep
I need to get my priorities straight
I need this college writing paper to be DONE!
I need to sit alone and think
I need a hardcore girls night
I need a night alone with him <3
I need to live up to my new years resolution
I need to focus on what’s more important right now
I need to have SELF-MOTIVATION

I get closer and closer each day to being able to cross things off this list.
Yet there is still that one I know will be my hardest challenge.
I think knowing and realizing it will be hard makes me 1 step closer to conquering the problem head on.
I feel by reaching my goals I will in return become the person I want to be.

Woo. Stressful weeks are enough to kill a person.

2006-01-28T16:51:31Z

okay so usually Im a loser when it comes to the week.
Expiation:
I don’t do anything during school weeks, My social butterflyness flies out the window and I sit in my house and do homework and chill. I don’t mind it, its not like there’s a lot to do during the week anyway (except for the occasional b-ball games on Tuesday) but Im usually at track till like 4ish then I got home do homework eat and its bed time. Repetitive... yes But I don’t mind.

But seriously this week was nothing short of insane!
Its snowcoming week. yes I say snowcoming. Its like homecoming but they just changed the name. its another dance at our school that is less formal this way others who cant go to prom a.k.a. ME! can at least go to another dance besides homecoming.

everyday I have done something whether its been buying a dress getting my hurr did or nails done all that good stuff. so lets just say that homework has been like 40th on my list. oops

we got a schedule change this week and I got 4 new classes, I hate it. all the ppl who I had a comfort zone with are gone. its just not the same. although I can tell my Spanish class is gonna make me smart since I was stuck with all the kids that actually know Spanish.(you know the thing that’s kinda required to be in Spanish 4. yeah) I also have American legal which im soooooo excited about cuz Mr. allaire teaches it. seriously I don’t care what you say about your teachers you haven’t had a good one until you’ve meet Mr. Allaire and Mrs. McFarlen. Im not even kidding you they are so wise and knowledgeable, I have learned to love their classes because of them. I love it that they have made EVERYTHING so interesting.

I FINALLY finished my unit in the hospital, Thank god! I liked central supply at first but towards the end it got boring. all I did was run around the hospital taking errands. excuse my french but I was there lil bia! I hated it. but Dan on the other hand was my main squeeze. he came in everyday to stock boxes so I helped him mostly, he taught me a lot about med instruments and surgery and stuff, plus he was hilarious. you can go wrong with that.

well snowcoming is 2night and I havta start getting ready cuz I cant very well go in my PJ's I would like to but I don’t think Brandon would like it if I went in scrubs and he got all dialed up. haha its should be a good nite with laughter, dancing and friends :) but idk bout this after party and an all nighter man. Ive got to work at the wonderful jimmy johns and Idk if im gonna be in the sandwich making mood. so Im sry to all who love it when I make your sandwiches (cuz you know im the best) but I'll be tired so suck it up for one day. OH OH OH and Eriks working 2morrow ahhh that just put a huge smile on my face I love that boy you have no idea.

well this was a pointless list of things. I was gonna go about it another way but maybe next time.
Im outtie.

dancrchick1213 @ 2006-01-20T10:23:00

2006-01-20T15:27:10Z

January has been a month filled with drama I refuse to involve myself with, intense studying for exams, and long breaks that have saved my life.

My mother and me had a conversation the other day on how I am an immature 17. Its not like I don’t know how to act my age. But I don’t know how to take care of myself. I do admit that I can be a loser at times. I mean just yesterday I was waiting for my pizza in hungry howies and Laurie started singing so I danced. Immature? Maybe, fun… yes! But she told me how my friends around me are able to hold down good jobs, boyfriends, school, out of school activities and still understand what their priorities are and how to manage them. My family thinks I don’t. Truth is I really don’t. My dad thinks it’s a sign of not being ready to go off to college. But most people go off to college and use it as a learning experience. My dads afraid that college will hit me like a crash test car into a brick wall. I sometimes feel like this yet other times I don’t. I do feel I’m ready to take on the responsibility. Its not that I don’t know how to take care of myself its just my parents are always there, why wouldn’t I rely on them. If there going to be there for me all the time I mine as well take advantage of it. I realize they won’t be there. I’ll be able to handle it I know I will. But right now I’m going to use it while I have it.

My friend told me today that she’s going out of state for college. That hit me like a brick wall. That’s what I wasn’t prepared for. She looked at me as if she wanted a happy reaction. Like I would hug her and tell her that it’s the right decision. I wish I could do that but the selfishness of keeping her here with me is taking over every thought of being happy for her. I thought about going out of state. It was something that I thought long and hard about. My aunt wanted me to go out of state, my cousin sent me every possible college app. from North Carolina to be with her. I got accepted to two. But I put them aside because I felt out of state just wasn’t right for me. I got letters from colleges in Indiana, Ohio, and West Virginia for track. It wasn’t what I wanted to do. Lately I feel like I’ve been stuck in a traffic jam on “the road of life” while my friend’s wave to me as they pass by on the train. Yet slower and slower things begin to pick up and the car that I am placed in slowly moves toward my destination. I may not get there as fast as my friends on the train but at least I’m getting there I say. Who knows maybe my friends have a problem on the tracks of the train and I pull ahead to the finish but as of right now I’m stuck in slow motion reaching out for the one hand to pull me on the train and travel on “ the road of life” with my friends at my side. I trust god in his decision on where he puts me in life. I have yet to be faced with a challenge I couldn’t take head on, and when it comes I feel I will be ready.

I finally finished all my exams! This is a good thing, all that stressing for nothing. I must admit I am extremely happy with all my grades especially that A in AP Psychology! Yes I will be treating my self with a carton of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream later haha!

dancrchick1213 @ 2006-01-14T01:28:00

2006-01-14T06:57:22Z

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Have you ever had a song that perfectly describes the feeling that you have, or takes the words right out of your mouth as you sit their listening to it and agree with every word it says.
Music is very empowering like that. It’s probably why I love it so much.

That song (above) basically sums up perfectly how Im temporally feeling at certain moments of the day. It’s not constant but enough to let me drift away from reality and just stop and think. WHY is my main question, but its the one question that is constantly asked yet never explained. The one thing I don’t understand is in school I'll learn something and no matter how hard I try if I was asked that same question a couple months from now I wouldn’t have the slightest clue. Now the other hand if you asked me what smell was in the air on that certain day, I could describe it in great detail.
Your memory stores things that are meaningful and important to you. But isn’t school just important? Its like wasted space that I wish would go away.

On the plus side of everything I learned how to ice skate today.
I love learning new things; I enjoy a challenge every once in a while.
Today was a good day because I hung out with the one person in my life that fits. The way I see it our friendship is like a puzzle. She’s the most important piece without her there’s no clear image. It’s Incomplete. She just fits perfectly into my life.
I think smiling is contagious and that girl can make me smile from ear to ear.
She truly is my SfS!

dancrchick1213 @ 2006-01-04T14:04:00

2006-01-04T19:20:01Z

*sigh* life...

In general all is well I must admit.
I thought about it last night layin in bed. everything that is going on right now couldn't be any better. I'm happy where I am right now, everything seems to be positive. there are a certain rough patched but i think with time they will work themselves out. i refuse to sit and dwell on them.

I have my first indoor track meet this friday. *gulp*
I think I'm ready. key word is I think.
I don't know everything was going well, besides the whole being so sore I can barely move
but yesterday I was 3 stepping hurdles and I wasn't even tired running sprints. I felt ready and confident for the meet.

today not so much.
I have a huge problem with over thinking things, exspceally when it comes to hurdles.
I get caught up in what my mind is telling me and it overcomes the power to just run. I need to be aggressive my coach will tell me. i need to attack the hurdle head on.
easier said then done, if you ask me
I just get so frustrated when I don't have enough confidence to do it. I need reassurance from others.
I just wanted to quit after 20min of sitting there and accomplishing nothing.
Yesterday i was on the ball, i was ready to go everything was great
today in an instant my mind took over and it was all downhill from there.

I just hope that friday wont be a repeat of today.

You could say its been a while...

2005-12-31T07:43:22Z

wasted time.
i can not say that i was ready for this.
but when worlds collide,
and all that i have is all that i want.
the words seem to flow
and the thoughts they keep running.
and all that i have is yours.
all that i am is yours.
ohh...
painted skys.
i've seen so many that cannot compare,
to your ocean eyes.
the pictures you took
that cover your room,
and it was just like the sun
but more like the moon.
a light that can reach it all.
so now im branded for taking the fall.
ohh...
so when you say forever,
can't you see you've already captured me.

NAME IT!
haha Its stuck in my head so I thought I would share with you the wonderfulness of that song.

CHI-TOWN = AMAZING!
I miss it and everyone there. I would move back in a heartbeat
nick and the fam might visit Mich next year! oh that makes me excited to just think about.
I miss Nicole. I wish I would have saw her *tear*
I love mi familia. There just too cool for words
Im glad to be home. I missed my puppy, & friends :)

Its late and Ive been sitting in a car for 6 hours. I out!

HAPPY NEW YEARS EVE!